By noon I was miserable and terrified I'd find him dead in the bath tub. On my lunch break I rushed to the house to find him playing WOW. I said I was sorry. We got back together.
In the last five months we have run through all of my savings and all of my unemployment. He needed glasses, then he needed contacts, then there was the apartment deposit that fell through and I lost all my money on that, along with electric and water deposits that I made on my own.
Brody had a job lined up, and then threw it away because he didn't want to work. He decided instead that he just HAD to go to class this summer session. Then he stopped going to class after the first two days. He lied to me about missing at least one of those days. And I know he missed today.
So he refuses to work and wont go to class. I'm frustrated, I'm tired. All this week I worked on very little sleep and was thrilled to do so because I'm grateful to have a job. (and I love my new job as a bank teller btw).
He plays the part of a victim when I'm angry with him. I'm sick of that old song and dance. We fit together better than anyone else I have ever dated, but I can't build a life with this man. I refuse to support him, and further more it is neigh impossible to support him right now, or get to a point where I can support him. If I were finished with school and etc, maybe things would be different, but this guy wont even get a job to pay his own fucking cell phone bill (which I've been paying since March).
His refusal to fucking grow a pair and face the world has financially broken me. Not only am I broke, but I owe more money than I have ever owed EVER in my life. I have debit. I've worked very VERY fucking hard all this time to keep myself out of debit, and this lazy shit has drug me down with him.
Believe me when I say this:: I love him. However, I will not be unevenly yoked. He needs to go to school, he needs to hold down a job working ~10hrs a week, he needs to not only set up counseling, but actually fucking go.
I am not Super Woman. I can't not keep everything together. I can not keep my mother from killing herself, myself afloat both monetarily and emotionally, and support Brody monetarily and emotionally. I can't do everything.
Today I'm pretty sure he didn't go to school. He didn't respond to any of my three calls. And I feel, sadly, at ease. And that's what hurts.Today, right now, I don't miss him. Instead, I feel relived.
Ma ha shutai e Tuby e Tuby e Tu shutei A no en Tuby A sai, do mi no steikun
Halish di zi e A di shuta dia La dia Zhan who
There is a figurative gun to my head, rather than literal, and the decisions I make under its pressure are erratic and ill advised. The gun is made of language, both spoken and bodily, and the gun is held by the transmuted creature that was my mother. Her claw of a finger tightens as she screams, as she spirals out, and I keep my eyes down in holy fear. My Father who art not in Heaven, but in Egypt, sordid be thy name. I am Woman-child, God-child, but no child of yours. 06-29-2009 @ 12:39
One minute she's fine, the next she loses her God damn mind. I can't help her or talk to her. Any time I say anything to the contrary of her fantastical ideas, she flips out. All I can do is sit here and silently watch my mother slip away.
She's not exactly altogether crazy. The rock hard matriarch of this family is heart broken. This heart break then instigates all this insanity.
....
Ya know, I sit here, and I just don't have anything left to say. I pray to God, and sometimes my prayers are answered (Brody and I both landing jobs on the same day with the same company), and sometimes...
Dad hurt Mom, Mom is heart broken and in her heart break she tears the rest of the family apart. Technically, and truly, it's not her fault,it's Dad, but that doesn't make it any easier.
She wants to drag Lill'Bro back to Egypt.
There is no good or right answer to this problem. By taking Lill'Bro back to Egypt he is taken away from all of his friends AGAIN, he has to go through grad exchanges, AGAIN, and in every possibly way is disregarded as a person. I understand she needs to be with Dad, and that she doesn't want to abandon Lill'bro, but you can't really have both. Furthermore, making Dad face Lill'Bro wont make Dad suddenly recognize him as a person, or make Dad take an interest in him.
Just a little bit ago she declaired that she was dying because she could not be with Dad. I know she hasn't been eatting. Mom looks sick.
Hot do I convince her to fight for herself? If I fail to save my mother, will I ever be able to forgive myself?
Mom couldn't have said it better. I'm frustrated and some things I can't post just yet, and I'm heart broken by another. On the up side of things Brody got called back by a bank today looking to set up an interview.
I haven't really talked to anyone about what's going on to be honest. There's Brody, Gary, and Wes that know and for just this moment I'm going to keep it that way.
Ya know, on a subject that doesn't relate to anything at the moment, I used to write so much more deeply than I do now. There were posts that were long and thought provoking. Now It's just a wondering mess of disguised messages that are so encoded that I go back at times and wonder "What did I mean?".
I'm still excited about the new apartment, even though at times I'm terrified about how everything may turn out. At this point it's one foot in front of the other and I will find a way to make it work.
That's the best thing I'm doing right now; Keeping calm, reminding myself that I will be okay, that this will work out.
Have you ever found a lose thread that when you tried to trace it or pull it out, more threads started to appear and the tapestry began to unravel? Some times I feel that way with my family. And the whole thing seems to melodramatic, as though it should be happening to a character in V.C. Andrews novel, not my life.
Miranda: Oh brave new world with such people in it! Prospero: Tis new to thee.
Eventually I'll be able to post directly about what I so gingerly tiptoe around. There are no time limits or legalities of any sort, just my own comfort level and ability to open up about the subject. It hurts, and to write it is to admit it, and admitting it makes it real. Yay for the stage of denial! Don't worry, there's been anger and depression as well.
Little Bro for sure has Crohns. It was being debated for about the last month, but yesterday it was confirmed. We don't think Dad is coming home from Egypt, for other reasons I'm not prepared to discuss with anyone yet.
My little brother caught a conversation I was having with my Mom just the other day about a man, 28 yrs old who is dying from Crohns. My little brother looked at us and asked "Wait, people die from Crohns?". Mom hadn't told im how serious this disease is.
There is more, alot more, but I have to go now. Packing things and moving and staining chairs and etc. Busy busy.
