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| So here we are two months later. I'm moving into my first apartment in about five hours. Sleep has been staved off by excitement and nervousness. Then there's other stuff... Last night my parents found my little brother passed out in a puddle of his own puke and piss. Alcohol poisoning. It was all they could do to bring him home to the flat. They didn't take him to the ER like they should have because Egypt's health care is a joke. Mom couldn't answer me as to weither or not he's responsive. They slept in his bed last night, making sure he stayed on his side. With his desease he will be lucky to make it to thirty. I have a fear that he's trying to burn himself out faster; Brighter as it were. Alot ha happened in the last couple of months that I haven't bothered to write about. Things best left forgotten, boring days that bleed together, and this long search for an apartment. There has been a break down, there have been tears, as well as laughter and some stuburness. All the tears I've cried thinking my little brother would die from his deasease and he may be taken out by a night of party drinking. He's got to be alright, I keep telling myself. We'll just have to wait and see. So, the apartment is cute. It's little, but we don't need much space. A place where I can come home when I want to, shower when I want to, do my laundry when I want to, play rock band when ever I want to, as long as I like, a place of spontenayety. (Go go spelling powers). Now all I need is a good night's rest. I need to start using this thing more again as well, even if only in private mode. Getting some of the things lurking in my brain out just might do me some good. Moonstar | | |
| Some Times People Do Change
Once upon a time, about four years back, I know a guy that told me people never changed. So taken was I with this guy I believed his cynical words. I will say that the vast majority of people are simply who they are, however I now know that there are people who change.
After I left Brody, he got off his butt, got into AA meetings, started going to his counseling sessions, landed a job that pays $10 an hour and that he can do during school, and signed up for classes and paid for them. He uninstalled WOW from his computer and gave away the disks. He packed lunches for us for a week and on my hour we picnicked in his car.
And the most interesting thing is, he likes the changes he's made. He's happier. We're happier.
I was hesitant about letting people know we're trying to work it out, but I have since decided that I don't need anyone's approval, and I don't care about what other people think.
In all honesty it's rather liberating not to worry about it. Since my parents have gone insane, blown through all of their money and credit, and left me with a debit I can't pay, I'm of the opinion they can sod off and never tell me what a fuck up I am or make a comment on my relationships again.
That brings me to something rather important. I'm not going back to school this fall. I'll go back to school once I have paid off the 3k I owe the University in back tuition my parents have sworn to me all summer that they would pay. Had they just old me the truth, I would have payed it off my self, or applied for a loan sooner. But no. The loan I applied for I didn't get because I have no credit at all, and my parent's credit is screwed over completely.
So here's my plan: Make payments until my tuition is payed on by my parents, or until I've payed it off myself. Then: I'll either wait until I am married or 25 to go back. I'm 22 now. That's not so bad, and hell it may take me that long to pay everything off.
I'm waiting to see if Brody really will go to class this semester without me. If he doesn't, it's over and I'll never think twice about blocking his number and pushing him from my life. Is he does, we're talking about a small wedding in December. That may sound cold, but I don't have to explain it. It's simple: He'll break my heart and all the belief I ever had in him if he screws this up.
So off I go to get ready for work. Joy.
Moonstar
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It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I miss him (but he's not the one).
Moonstar
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| The Saddest Part Is I Tried...
I tried for the last eight months, and tonight I finally left him. This first crucial step to leaving him, though hard, was the easiest step in the process. Now it's getting over leaving my best friend; not being able to call him and tell him some of the odd things only he would get, not watching movies together, or the odd grooming stuff we did together.
It just couldn't work.
I'm tired now and want to curl up. No good night calls tonight. No sleepy "I love you"s.
This is for the better. He's not my one.
Moonstar
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| I tried breaking up with Brody Monday.
By noon I was miserable and terrified I'd find him dead in the bath tub. On my lunch break I rushed to the house to find him playing WOW. I said I was sorry. We got back together.
In the last five months we have run through all of my savings and all of my unemployment. He needed glasses, then he needed contacts, then there was the apartment deposit that fell through and I lost all my money on that, along with electric and water deposits that I made on my own.
Brody had a job lined up, and then threw it away because he didn't want to work. He decided instead that he just HAD to go to class this summer session. Then he stopped going to class after the first two days. He lied to me about missing at least one of those days. And I know he missed today.
So he refuses to work and wont go to class. I'm frustrated, I'm tired. All this week I worked on very little sleep and was thrilled to do so because I'm grateful to have a job. (and I love my new job as a bank teller btw).
He plays the part of a victim when I'm angry with him. I'm sick of that old song and dance. We fit together better than anyone else I have ever dated, but I can't build a life with this man. I refuse to support him, and further more it is neigh impossible to support him right now, or get to a point where I can support him. If I were finished with school and etc, maybe things would be different, but this guy wont even get a job to pay his own fucking cell phone bill (which I've been paying since March).
His refusal to fucking grow a pair and face the world has financially broken me. Not only am I broke, but I owe more money than I have ever owed EVER in my life. I have debit. I've worked very VERY fucking hard all this time to keep myself out of debit, and this lazy shit has drug me down with him.
Believe me when I say this:: I love him. However, I will not be unevenly yoked. He needs to go to school, he needs to hold down a job working ~10hrs a week, he needs to not only set up counseling, but actually fucking go.
I am not Super Woman. I can't not keep everything together. I can not keep my mother from killing herself, myself afloat both monetarily and emotionally, and support Brody monetarily and emotionally. I can't do everything.
Today I'm pretty sure he didn't go to school. He didn't respond to any of my three calls. And I feel, sadly, at ease. And that's what hurts.Today, right now, I don't miss him. Instead, I feel relived.
That's the answer to me. And it breaks my heart.
Moonstar
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